Feeling a little... I don't know what.

I may have just given up my last chance to be a father.

My wife has psoriatic arthritis, and due to her recent strep throat is having the worst flare-up she's had since I've known her. Her skin hurts a lot and is very red and inflamed. She's got a UV light and is using it, along with tar treatments, but she had to skip a day while we traveled this weekend, and the flare-up is flaring up.

There are some new biologic (protein-based) drugs available that seem to be very effective, but they are expensive and they are not recommended for pregnant women unless absolutely necessary. If a woman is already on them, getting pregnant is something you simply do not do. We were planning to try IUI (intra-uterine insemination) and clomid starting this month in order to have a baby, and are currently under instructions to call in as soon as her next cycle starts to schedule the procedure for the right time. She was suffering so much tonight, though, I decided that suffering through this is too much to ask of her, so I told her we would call for an appointment with her dermatologist tomorrow. She never said a word about it affecting our baby plans. She may be too uncomfortable, and freaking out about it, right now to even think of it. I don't know. Once I got her to bed and came out here, though, I almost cried.

We have heard that pregnancy can clear it up too, though probably temporarily. Maybe if the dermatologist can give us some comparative chances of clearing for the drug vs pregnancy, and they come out about even, and what we're doing now fights it back enough for her to handle, maybe we might still try for a baby. At this point, though, I doubt it. I'm hoping for it, but I won't push it at her expense.

I'm fairly calm about it all right now, though slightly numb. If I'm actually in a bit of denial right now, though, I'm afraid of how I might feel if this does in fact turn out to be the end my chances at fatherhood. I'm pretty sure it'll hurt. Maybe a lot. I do know she's hurting now, though, and that hurts me too so one of us may as well not be hurting.